Four Tips for the Broken-Hearted
When I broke up with my boyfriend of five years, I cried so hard that the skin on my nose started peeling from blowing it so much. I didn't cry on Valentine's Day, his birthday, or the other "big" occasions when I thought loneliness would set in. I cried at the tiniest things -- when I saw a monkey on TV that I knew he'd laugh at, or when I smelled a whiff of his sporty deodorant at Duane Reade. Of course people told me it would get easier with time -- and it did -- but what they didn't tell me was that it would get harder with time before it got easier.
Every day that passed was marked. I'd think, "I can't believe this is the first Saturday without him as my date", or "How could 4 months have passed without us talking?"
Breaking up is more than hard to do... it feels totally unnatural, counter-intuitive, and down-right unfair to stop talking to someone you're used to talking to daily.
Of course, if the breakup was fueled by something lousy that your partner did -- or something hurtful that you did -- anger and guilt can transform the mourning process. More often than not, however, people break up when they still have feelings for their partner.
While you're blowing your nose, here are a few tips to consider:
1. Write down a list of your five 'must-haves' and five 'can't-stands' for your future partner. It can be as silly as wanting to date someone who loves to dance or as serious as wanting to be with somebody of the same faith. If it is important to you, include it in your list.
2. Make new relationship resolutions.
Try to identify how certain fears influenced your last relationship, and decide whether you're prepared to take steps to face those fears.
Try to identify how certain fears influenced your last relationship, and decide whether you're prepared to take steps to face those fears. For instance, if you feared losing your independence in your last relationship, how will you cope in your next one so that you don't feel you have lost yourself while in a partnership?
3. Ask yourself, "Why did you stay as long as you did?" Were there moments when you knew it wasn't working? How did you deal with it? What would you do differently if you did it again?
4. Allow yourself to grieve in a way that's comfortable to you. For some, playing sad love songs and spending many nights inside with Ben and Jerry feels best. For others, jumping into the dating game in a casual way and having fun is a good way to cope.
My friend Dan always says that breakups happen twice -- once in your heart, and once out loud. By the time the breakup is done, no doubt that there were sleepless nights or resolutions made to change the situation. Once you get to the point where a relationship just isn't working, or if the other person has terminated something you thought had more potential, don't beat yourself up. It's easier to say with distance and time -- but usually these things are a blessing in disguise.
When I broke up with my boyfriend of five years, I cried so hard that the skin on my nose started peeling from blowing it so much. I didn't cry on Valentine's Day, his birthday, or the other "big" occasions when I thought loneliness would set in. I cried at the tiniest things -- when I saw a monkey on TV that I knew he'd laugh at, or when I smelled a whiff of his sporty deodorant at Duane Reade. Of course people told me it would get easier with time -- and it did -- but what they didn't tell me was that it would get harder with time before it got easier.
Every day that passed was marked. I'd think, "I can't believe this is the first Saturday without him as my date", or "How could 4 months have passed without us talking?"
Breaking up is more than hard to do... it feels totally unnatural, counter-intuitive, and down-right unfair to stop talking to someone you're used to talking to daily.
Of course, if the breakup was fueled by something lousy that your partner did -- or something hurtful that you did -- anger and guilt can transform the mourning process. More often than not, however, people break up when they still have feelings for their partner.
While you're blowing your nose, here are a few tips to consider:
1. Write down a list of your five 'must-haves' and five 'can't-stands' for your future partner. It can be as silly as wanting to date someone who loves to dance or as serious as wanting to be with somebody of the same faith. If it is important to you, include it in your list.
2. Make new relationship resolutions.
Try to identify how certain fears influenced your last relationship, and decide whether you're prepared to take steps to face those fears.
Try to identify how certain fears influenced your last relationship, and decide whether you're prepared to take steps to face those fears. For instance, if you feared losing your independence in your last relationship, how will you cope in your next one so that you don't feel you have lost yourself while in a partnership?
3. Ask yourself, "Why did you stay as long as you did?" Were there moments when you knew it wasn't working? How did you deal with it? What would you do differently if you did it again?
4. Allow yourself to grieve in a way that's comfortable to you. For some, playing sad love songs and spending many nights inside with Ben and Jerry feels best. For others, jumping into the dating game in a casual way and having fun is a good way to cope.
My friend Dan always says that breakups happen twice -- once in your heart, and once out loud. By the time the breakup is done, no doubt that there were sleepless nights or resolutions made to change the situation. Once you get to the point where a relationship just isn't working, or if the other person has terminated something you thought had more potential, don't beat yourself up. It's easier to say with distance and time -- but usually these things are a blessing in disguise.
When we start to date again, we often realize how wonderful it feels to be appreciated for some of the quirks that annoyed or upset our ex, or how amazing it is to be fulfilled and fully present with
Posts
1 comment:
This is what should be done
Be the one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburned with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in safety,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life,
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outward and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.
Post a Comment